This year feels out of place, out of time. Like, we’ve missed a month or two and no one has bothered to check it. I feel as though I’m drifting away from my best friend because I haven’t seen her in weeks and my other best friend is becoming with me again. I feel everything about her, I know what she’s thinking, when she feels like shit and when she needs a laugh. I could never tell that with Cassie, she’s just like a secret bubble ready to pop with deep dark horrors no one knows about her. That scares me the most about her some times. Every time we plan anything with her she just seems to drift off from us like a original leave leaving the pile. It’s because she wants to go down south and make her future and her memories there. What she doesn’t realize if she keeps drifting away like this, she’ll be nothing left except a distance memory. I feel as though Cassie is going to be working for her mother forever, if it’s just not for Subway, for her brothers bail money or because her mum is in hospital from lung cancer because she smokes too much. I had to stop talking to Cassie today while on instant chat, I could just feel her drift apart from me, but she was still in her room in her house just different. I got upset, but didn’t really show it, I wanted to yell and scream at her that what she’s doing is hurting me, hurting our group. She might have friends where she wants to go, but she also has friends up here, and she spends more time up there then she does down there. Sometimes I think this is God’s fault because she wants to be fully Christian, but I know deep down it helps her deal with things in her life, how she sees things happen. When she talks about it, there is a voice in her throat that’s so powerful it speaks to you, even though you don’t fully understand what she’s saying. It’s overwhelming. That’s also something that scares me about her sometimes.

I went riding with Kirra today, she’s my longest best friend ever, the ‘other’ best friend who I only see occasionally on weekends and every Thursdays. We’ve been spending a lot of time together this holidays, I like it because I can talk to her and it seems like she understands everything. I’ve only realized in these past weeks how beautiful her personality is, peaceful and full of heart her smile is. If come to realize that Kirra and Cassie are very different people. First time on the holidays I and Kirra along with my older sisters went out to Casuarina and we were eating sushi and Kirra put her head on me. It scared me a bit because Cassie has never done anything like that before. The only time we ever touch is when we walk to close and our hands awkwardly touch. I missed Kirra’s affectionness, mainly because I’m a very loving affectionness person.

Every time I look at my fish in their fish tank I think about all the guys I’ve liked this year. I don’t really know why, but it brings back memories I wish I don’t have. There is only three boys I’ve liked I really remember, first Matt my first love, my first mistakeable horrible jealous filled love. Ended with drifting apart and him fucking his friend from Canberra, but that was no worry, I wasn’t really his girlfriend, because he already had one. I tend to now fall for guys that have girlfriends who they claim to love but still claim to ‘love’ me. Like my half current, half wanting to kill crush Freddie. Don’t worry, I haven’t done anything with him, well I basically can’t since he lives in Denmark with his ‘perfect, always I’m missing you’ crap excuse of a girlfriend. I cannot deny that she is gorgeous and probably as nice as meth for a addict. But none the less, I’m a teenager and have a crush on someone, of course I’m not going to like his girlfriend, even though I’ve never met her. But then, there’s the last crush, the one that wants to drool out of my mouth and onto his lips. Ok, not anything like that. But, he’s cute and all around good for almost anyone. The only problem is he’s my ‘guy friend’ oh, and he’s 2 years younger than me, but hey that’s no deal. Truth be told, I feel nervous talking about him like this. I haven’t told anyone, but I think they know but spare my feelings because it probably looks like I’m trying to hide it, really hard. His name is Jack, 14 almost 15. Tall, cute and my mother loves him. What could be wrong? He doesn’t like me, I would totally ask (not) except that if he said no (what else would he say, pfft) it would be extremely awkward and I do not want that ever again, I’ve been through that many times. I don’t want it to happen again. Never, ever again.

Its Christmas Eve tonight, 10:19PM to be exact and even though for the past 10 days I’ve been almost killing myself with a metal rock wanting Christmas right now it’s just not happening for me tonight. I sort of know why I’m not excited, maybe because I know I’m not getting as many presents this year or maybe, just maybe it’s because my sisters are leaving away from home now and I hate it so much. If they were both here right now, we’d all be begging to open one present before midnight. See, we have this tradition where if we stay up ‘till midnight, we get to open one present. The first time we did it I got a barbie doll I’ve always wanted, my middle sister Aimee, got hair stuff and my oldest sister, Zoey got a battery charger. She complained till we went to bed that she wanted to open another present. Tonight, since it was only me, my mum’s boyfriend of almost 11 years Mark and my mum, we decided to do it earlier, I got my favourite authors series of books, The Tomorrow Series by John Marsden. I love his books, they let me escape with their odd titles and fascinating characters that I want so badly to be. I’ve always deep down wanted to be an author, but I’m never that good at writing anything basically, I look focus and have a great start and middle but I never get to the ending, so I keep dragging it and dragging it...

Christmas day today, I woke up with ease at 6am because the phone was ringing. Apparently it was my Uncle Bob in Alaska saying Merry Christmas. Little did he know it was 6am here and there was still Christmas Eve. My mum has lots of family members that usually aren’t real families, just good old friends that you say are your family as you grow up. I slowly tried going back to sleep but couldn’t shake the feeling of Christmas, I was not excited nor determined to open my presents but more grumpy then anything. When I finally decided that my fate was to wake up I got up and went outside to wait for my sisters to arrive with my three parts family. When they did arrive I got moody for some reason, and spited they’re being here. When all the presents were organised everywhere, no one wanted to open theirs first, like a odd awkward hot dry breeze came through. Once someone broke it, it was fine and off we went under the tree searching for presents for us and from us. I will not state what I had got, because some of my personal life was actually personal, and even though personal to me is I’ve told all my friends, it’s still guarded with a key and lock safe in my mind. After my sisters left to adventure present giving to their closet friends, me, Mark my mum’s boyfriend and her set out food plans for lunch time, wrapping up ham and making it presentable, while Mark occasionally had 2 or 3 beers as we were working. Sometimes when I do work in the kitchen with my mum like that, I tend to want to get everything done right at that second, like doing one simple thing like making a salad is not enough, then I tend to rush everything so it all goes to waste anyway. After my sisters came back our cousin but not so much our cousin but more like my mum’s old best friend daughter and kids came over. We gave them their present and they gave them ours. I sometimes babysit the kids, their names are Tay-Tay and Dizzy, but of course, they are their short names. As Mark finished preparing the food for lunch my sisters, my mum and my cousin Mel went outside to socialize as I sat in my room, hearing them from my window. Their loud noises echoed my whole space as my sisters augured and my mum and Mel laughed. Sometimes I wish to be a part of it all, but when I am, I feel out of place like no one wants me there.

After Mel and her kids followed along we sat down to eat lunch. We of course with good manners thanked our mum but she had to be reminded that she did get help from me and Mark, but there was still a hush hush after she said it. Lunch was filling, I had one plate and was full, after everyone else had three we all went to sleep. Me and my sister, Aimee in my room the aircon blaring. Mum and Mark in their room of course and Zoey in the spare, all with the aircon’s on. About 2 hours later we all awoke and made our way to Korina’s, my cousins. Of course on the way there, there were a few moments where I wanted to screw off my sisters head, Zoey was the annoying one, but hey, she didn’t get sleep.. So we must always feel sorry for her. When everyone was settled we opened presents and they opened theirs. They got a Wii from all of us and a few games.